A ‘new beginning’ is typically a positive phrase that usually sets a happy tone. New beginnings are marked by occasions like marriages, the birth of a child, moving to a new house, buying a car, starting a new career, and the list goes on. It’s easy to talk about such occasions, it’s welcomed! These are the moments we celebrate in life, for all the smiles, the joys, and the heart warming feelings they give us. But what if we pause for a moment to ask ourselves this question, “What got us here, to this ‘happy’ place?”
Sometimes, the answer would take us back to an incident or an experience that includes some kind of emotional pain from a loss we are still grieving. I had my share of those experiences, and I’m sure you had too. No matter how young or old we are, we’ve all experienced the other side of the coin, the ‘unhappy’ moment, and what I’m about to share with you, right here, is one such moment. A very personal experience that profoundly touched my life.
the story
It happened 3 years ago, as I was taking my very first step on the Life Coaching career. I was faced with losing to suicide our kids’ nanny. My husband and I found out about the incident early one morning in February 2019. I remember sitting there outside the nanny’s room in disbelief thinking of her daughter. Our late nanny was just 31 and she had a daughter who was only 15 at the time. This was a tragic blow on many levels.
I sat there, outside the nanny’s room, in agonizing disbelief, not realizing that shortly after I will be on a self discovery journey. Like our late nanny and how she vanished so suddenly from our lives one morning, leaving her daughter behind, my father died by accidental suicide when I was almost 3, one evening, leaving me behind. I was so little and had no memory of him or of what happened. I grew up learning from my mother and everyone else around me how to bury the grief so deep inside that I never really had to think about it or face it. This was the case up until I was faced with our nanny’s passing. Another death by suicide in my life, and this time, I could not look away.
the journey
As I pulled myself from the aftermath of our nanny’s sudden passing, I was staring at my father’s death right in the eye. It wasn’t easy. It took months of retrospection and peace making. I had to make peace with my mother and the feeling that she wasn’t there for me to help me through the process of growing up with the story of my father’s traumatic death. My mother was so young, not even 20 when all this happened in her life. She was still gathering her first impressions of Life. I had to forgive her, and understand her and other family members, who like me, were impacted by the sudden and tragic ending.
The passing of my children’s nanny, in the way it happened, was like opening Pandora’s Box. All of a sudden, I was ready to face my father’s passing. I was ready to ask all the questions that were buried for decades deep down in my heart. Now, I wanted to know the finest details about the incident. I had so many questions, like: How did they find him? What was he wearing? Who was the first to find him? Was he lying face down, or was he on his back? How did his loved ones react to the news, or deal with the aftermath? When were they able to find peace? The truth of the matter was that through all these questions I was facing what bothered me the most; the pain from the thought that my father had left me.
the revelation
On this journey, I learned that no answer would change anything or ease the pain. I learned that it’s never about the answers. The route I took was about finding my own way to acceptance and even taking a step further and finding forgiveness and respect. Respect, a word that came from a Shaman’s mouth in one of the many sessions I did on my healing journey. Respecting the ending without judgement and honoring the people I love in Life and in Death. I learned in the process that Life and Death, are two sides of the same coin. Like the cycle of night and day, living is a never ending dance of endings and beginnings.
Through the nanny’s passing and it’s timing in my life, I was led by a miracle to reconnect with my father’s passing, and make peace with it, re-writing a new story in my life. A story about infinite love and human connection. I learned as I was writing this new story that like baking a damn good cake ___ a process that requires hard labor in the kitchen, mixed with a delicate balance of materials and careful steps, reached after years of craftsmanship, marked by many failed attempts until perfection is achieved ___ it will take time, heartbreaks and experience until we realize that in Life there is light at the end of the tunnel. So do we only enjoy and celebrate eating a really good cake and forget about the process of crafting it, or do we celebrate them both?
the end and the beginning
Life is the process as much as it is the end result. It’s a continuous cycle. One wholesome journey towards achieving perfection, happiness, salvation, whatever you would like to name ‘it’, the choice is yours. So as we experience the excitement of welcoming new beginnings in Life, let’s look back and honor all the endings, that as difficult as they were, they give Life it’s deep meaning. If you’re in a place in your life where you’re trying to find meaning in endings or are gathering your strength to start a new beginning, let’s connect and discover together the gems hidden in these life experiences. The gems that are there to help us move forward. If you’re in such a place, don’t hesitate to connect with me on connect@raniahatoum.org.
My credentials: I’m a certified Life Coach. This means I completed more than 200 hours of supervised training and practice in conducting life coaching sessions with clients. Additionally, I’m also a Mental Health First Aider, which means I am trained to handle conversations with clients relating to suicide and have the tools necessary to guide them to seek the right professional help as needed.
